Rambling As Usual

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this site. I’ve been a joint writer on another blog and in doing so I’ve neglected this page which is where my writing started. So hello to whoever reads this. It’s been a while.

I’ve been in a slump lately. Mainly in regard to writing, but also some aspects of life – I guess. I’ve always been proud of my physique but as of late I’ve really let myself go. We went through quarantine and I set my mind on becoming the best version of myself during that period, but I indulged and let myself get worse. There’s been a lot of close death around me. And that’s been eating at me for days on end. I’ve grieved, but I always question the pain I’m feeling, because I know for a fact the people close to me are experiencing grief to a much greater degree than I am. So how can my grief compare? It feels almost selfish to be sad knowing how much others around me are hurting.

I talk about it a lot to my partner and confidante, but it haunts me to a greater degree than I could ever explain. I’m torn between feeling the grief and feeling the pain of those close to me. I put myself in their shoes and when I even imagine what they’re going through, I feel my heart break. I used to rely on alcohol to numb those kind of feelings when I first experienced grief but I learnt that isn’t the way to cope. It’s self destructive. I feel like the unhealthy eating habits I adopted were a coping mechanism. Eating pleasurable foods gave me some sort of happiness I guess. But I’m still hurting. I hurt every day. I lost close family, but the people around me ( I don’t want to say who exactly because I don’t want to make it public), had closer relations to those we lost. I question how they function in life. I look at them and I see the strongest people I’ve ever seen. They get up every day, no matter how hard – and get through each day. I don’t know the purpose of this post, I guess “as a writer”, this is how I get things out. Maybe it will bring me some peace, letting it out like this. I’m also scared. What if those I love don’t get to see certain milestones in my life. I’m terrified of losing more people. Losing people shows you how little control you have in life.

I’m hurting, but the hurt is more for the people around me. I want life to be good for them. I want them to be happy. I don’t feel happy all the time, and as I’ve explained – my grief is irrelevant to theirs.

I just want to stay home and not see them because I feel the pain in them. But at the same time I want to be there and try and make them happy. I wish I could take their pain and bear the brunt of it. I wish I could take all the hurt and let them live completely happy lives.

I guess the message I want to give whoever is reading this is that if you’re going through anything, mental health issues, grief, money problems – I hope you find the strength to continue. I hope you get through it. Keep fighting and don’t let life get you down. Love those around you as best you can, and appreciate them. My mother always told me “Don’t bring flowers to my grave. I won’t be able to enjoy them”. Love and cherish those people you value in your life. Be strong but also learn to get support and love from those around you. Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling and don’t suppress anything.

Be at peace. Find your peace. Help others find peace. Spread love. We’re all stronger together.